FIREDRILL!

Friday, December 6, 2002Front   Archives   Writers   List   Submit

AAAAHHH!!! Real Apes.
Soma

"Ok, Oonga," Dr. Betty Foundsworth grinned. "Pick the card."

Three cards lay in front of the ape. Red, green, blue. Oonga made a selection of grunts and picked up the green one.

"Booya!" Dr. Foundsworth jumped up into the air, shouting at the top of her lungs. She flung her fist into the air, and then set it on the table in front of her associate, palm up. "Fork it over, Jackarooni!"

Dr. Jack Silverstein glumly handed Dr. Foundsworth two crumpled twenties and a coffee-stained ten. "I still don't think you know what you're doing."

"You saw it! The green card! These dead presidents here, " Dr. Foundsworth waved the freshly-won money around in the air like a flag, "prove it!"

"I can't believe this. You stroll into my lab two weeks ago with that damn ape spouting this crap, and now you might as well be the goddamn reincarnation of Darwin himself." Dr. Silverstein did his share of arm-waving. "And all you ever do is gyp me out of my beer money!"

Dr. Foundsworth winked an especially sly wink. "It's laboratory evolution, baby."

Dr. Silverstein grunted and looked around the laboratory. There was a large beaker of hydrochloric acid to his left. He wouldn't really mind filling Dr. Foundsworth's eye cavities with it. Not in the least. Instead of that, however, Dr. Silverstein left the room, fuming over the past nonalcoholic week. Whenever he was kept without alcohol for too long he wasn't all too stable.

"What a prick!" Oonga said, after the coast was clear.

"Yeah, tell me about it. At least he's a moron, though," Dr. Foundsworth said as she walked over and unlocked Oonga's cage. Oonga climbed out and took off his head. Underneath his apey exterior was a gangly teenage boy.

"Alright, gimme my cut!"

Dr. Foundsworth eyed the boy.

"How much did we agree on?"

"You know it's 25%! C'mon, we've been doing this for weeks!" The boy's ill coordination was incredibly humorous. "Gimme my money and lemme get outta here."

Dr. Foundsworth, as we have already seen, is not as moral as Dr. Silverstein. Cheating is not moral. Neither is pouring hydrochloric acid into the eye cavities of someone you momentarily dislike. Dr. Foundsworth had committed one transgressions, and was about to make it two.

"GYAAAAHHHH!!!!" Dr. Foundsworth, in one fluid motion, swept the hydrochloric acid from its spot on the table and snatched the back of the youth's head. "YOU'LL NEVER GET THAT TWELVE DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!"

Taken by suprise, the boy didn't even have time to blink before the burning acid hit his eyes. In fact, due to his sympathetic nervous system, his pupils were especially wide at that moment. The acid made them even wider, although in the worst of fashions.

"AAAAHHHH!!!!" The boy in the ape-suit shouted as acid burned his eyes to pieces.

"AAAAIEEEE!!!" Cried Dr. Foundsworth as she poured the aforementioned acid into the aforementioned boy's eyes.

"AH!" Grunted Dr. Silverstein as he shot Dr. Foundsworth in the back. Having been in disarray, he had come to reclaim his money with the Colt .45 he always kept in his glovebox. Seeing this scene, however, he realized he could just kill Dr. Foundsworth and probably get away with it.

"AAAHHH!!!" The boy cried as his attacker fell to the ground, most probably dead. The acid still burned his eyes.

"Don't worry, boy! I saved you!" Dr. Silverstein grinned at the boy, eventually realizing he was wearing an ape suit.

"AAAHHH!!!" The boy still screamed. The acid still burned.

Dr. Silverstein then shot the boy, too, since he had helped Dr. Foundsworth swindle him out of all of that money. That really wasn't too logical, but it sure did feel good. And it sure did shut that whiner up!


Soma is busy coding UvaMatch to do this!